


The Banterpalooza

by nilolay



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Banter, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:33:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21800257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilolay/pseuds/nilolay
Summary: A Love Story in Three Days of Teasing.Everything they said to each other, on three days, at different stages of their relationship: Business Partners, Boyfriends, Husbands
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 105
Kudos: 260
Collections: Schitt's Creek Open Fic Night 2.0





	1. Business Partners

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StevieandBuckaroo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StevieandBuckaroo/gifts).

> StevieandBuckaroo's prompt said "I just really love the teasing nature of their relationship."  
I took that and ran with it. Or rather, sprinted directly into the sun. So this is all dialogue. Nothing that happens here happens outside of quotation marks. Leaving a little to the imagination. Apologies if it is completely incomprehensible, but my beta said it's fine, so _absolutely_ blame them.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Almost)

**“Caramel macchiato, skim, two sweeteners, and a sprinkle of cocoa powder.”**

“That’s quite the order.”

**“It’s what I like. Hi.”**

“Hi. Two sweeteners, huh? The caramel in the macchiato doesn’t sweeten it enough for ya?”

**“Evidently not.”**

“I bet your dentist loves you.”

**“Well, it’s complicated. She’s waiting.”**

“Your dentist?”

**“Twyla. She’s waiting to take your order."**

“Oh. Sorry. Boiling water, tea bag, milk, one sugar, stirred. Thanks Twyla.”

**“Why didn’t you just say ‘tea’?”**

“Why don’t you just say “the usual?””

**“Because I tried that once, and I was given a smoothie.”**

“And that was _ un_usual, I take it.”

**“Even more than you would think.” **

“Perfect. Thanks, Twyla.”

**“Thanks Twyla.”**

“Shall we?”

**“Head to the store? Yeah, there’s a lot to do today.”**

“Oh, you forgot your pastry.”

**“…No, I didn’t.”**

“Don’t you usually have a muffin? Or a croissant or something? Danish?”

** _“…No_ ** _ **.”** _

“Oh…kay… We should go back if you want to get it. I feel like I distracted you before you could finish your order.”

**“You’re not distracting. I was done.”** **** ****

"Okay."

“So, I have a couple more grant applications to finish up. I'll set up out back.”

****“**Great. I'm...gonna...**”****

“...Practise your interpretive dancing.”

****“**You're hilarious.**”****

“Direct traffic?”

****“**Stop.**”****

“Wow, you're a natural.”

****“ ** **”****

“Sorry, David. When you just wave your arms around I have to assume we're doing charades.”

****“**I'm gonna— _this, _alright? Stock. Displays. Product. _This.**”**_**

“Okay then. Enjoy your this.”

****“**I will, thank you.**”****

**“I have to um, head out. For an errand.”**

“Sure.”

**“I’ll be back in five.”**

“Enjoy your muffin, David!”

**“It’s ** ** _not!_ —**** It’s not a muffin errand.”**

_ “Okay.” _

**“Bye.”**

“Bye. Enjoy your danish, David.”

**“Ugh.”**

  
  


**“I’m back. Hi.”**

“Hi. How did the errand go?”

**“Perfectly, thanks.”**

“You have crumbs on your sweater.”

**“Oh, fuck.”**

“I’m just kidding. But you did believe me, so…”

**“Okay, wow. Why do you care so much about me eating a pastry?”**

“I genuinely don’t— you’re the one being weird about it!”

**“Some people eat pastries.”**

“A lot of people eat pastries, David.”

**“Tell me about it, there were only like two left.”**

“But you weren’t distracted, earlier, when you ordered your coffee. By me.”

**“Nn. No. I, didn’t want one then.”**

“Sure. I put the idea in your head.”

**“Yes.”**

“Wow, I have great ideas. It’s really good you listen to my ideas. For the business, you know. My business ideas.”

**“Okay.”**

“I think I might go get a muffin.”

**“You can’t, they ran out.”**

“You said there were two left?”

**“Exactly.”**

“Oh, you ate both.”

**“I did not eat both. I ** ** _bought_ ** ** both. I ate one, and saved the other one for later.”**

“Oh, so I can have it?”

**“No.”**

“Why not?”

**“Because… it’s gone. Because ‘later’ happened.”**

“When? I didn’t see you eating it— come to think of it, I didn’t see you come in with it. That would have been too obvious of you, huh?”

**“Fine! I ate it 30 seconds after I finished the first one! Which, technically, is still ‘later’, thank you very much.” **

“I’m not so sure about that, David.”

**“Okay, well. We each have work to do, so.”**

“That we do.”

  
  


“Whoops.”

**“Oh god, what?”**

“Nothing, sorry.”

**“Please never say ‘whoops’ while holding a beverage next to the pristine alpaca sweaters, if you don’t want to take me to the hospital for a ** ** _pulmonary embolism_****.”**

“I’ll take that on board, boss.”

**“Also maybe don’t ever say ‘whoops’ if you’re an adult man.”**

“Noted.”

  
  


**“Oh, I have something for you.”**

“Not a muffin, though.”

**“…Obviously not. It’s in my pants— it’s in** **my****_ pocket. _****It's in my pants pocket.”**

“…And you want me to—”

**“Um, no- what? No. I just have to put this box down.”**

“—take that box off you?”

**“Right, yes, thanks.”**

“Mmph.”

**“You okay?”**

“Heavier than I thought. What have you got in your pants _ pocket _ for me, David?”

**“It’s not really anyth- ** ** _hngh— _ ** **sorry, these pants are really tight—”**

_“Yeah.”_

**“Here. It’s a key. It’s your key. For the store. For here. It’s your store key.”**

“Wow, versatile key. Is this so I can get here earlier than you on days when you want to sleep in?”

**“Um, so you can get here on days when you wake up at ungodly hours, yes.”**

“That’s very generous of you, David. You’re a very generous person.”

**“You work here. You need a key. It’s nothing.”**

“It’s…warm.”

**“** **_Well!”_ **

  
  


“Excuse me.”

**“Mmhm.”**

“Excuse me.”

**“Yup.”**

“Excuse me.”

**“Hey, Patrick? You don’t have to say ‘excuse me’ every time you have to move past me to get to and from the back room.”**

“It’s just polite, David.”

**“Yes, and I know you’re a polite person, so you don’t have to keep proving it. I give you blanket permission to brush past me.”**

“I see. I’m excused on an ongoing basis, in perpetuity, then?”

**“Okay, I also already know you went to business school, so.”**

  
  


“David.”

**“Mm.”**

“David?”

**“Mm.”**

“…_David?” _

**“****_Yes, _ ** **what, mm, what is it— yes. Patrick.”**

“Sorry to disturb your…staring at the wall—”

**“I’m not ** ** _staring, _ ** **I’m devising, envisioning, and evaluating. This display has to be right or else these scarves are just going to look like lengths of fabric.”**

“Which they are not?”

**“ ”**

“Which they are _ not.” _

**“Mm.”**

“Uh well, thank you for taking time out of your…evaluating, to pay attention to me.”

**“You’re welcome. It’s fine. Well, it’s not, I’ll have to start again once this is done, and I wasn’t at evaluating yet, still envisioning— it doesn’t matter. Yes. You. Wanted me?”**

“I did— do— uh want you— uh to confirm the name of this vendor, before I include it in the grant application?”

**“Okay? Who?”**

“This— uh— I don’t know if it’s your _handwriting_, or—”

**“My handwriting is immaculate.”**

“Yeah I don’t even know how to begin on pronouncing it. Here—”

**“This one?”**

“_Yes _ this one, David.”

“**Oh. Lube Emmanuel. Yeah, that’s right.”**

“It is.”

**“Yeah…Oh! It might be double-N… Let me check this other…nope that’s right.”**

“Yeah that wasn’t my—…His name is… Lube?”

**“Emmanuel.”**

“Okay. Well, I’m just gonna go…ask the government…to give us money…so we can work with…”

**“Lube.”**

“…Lube.”

**“Emmanuel.”**

“Emmanuel.”

**“One N.”**

“Got it.”  
  


**“Who was on the phone? You sounded very enthused. Was it someone you’re— a-** **_cHmm —_ ** **sorry, not my business.”**

“It is your business, actually. Or, our business, potentially, now…”

**“Was that a pun? Has Alexis introduced you to Ted? Oh god. Or do you already know him because you have a pet— do you have a pet? You’re allergic to cats— oh god, do you have a ** ** _dog?_**_**”**_

“David.”

**“Mm.”**

“I got the money.”

**“The grant money?”**

“Yeah, the grant money!”

**“Didn’t you just submit the application like twenty minutes ago? I haven’t known a government body to move so quickly, except when Alexis was trapped in a cave with the Foreign Minister’s daughter.”**

“David— that’s, an astoundingly interesting story, but—”

**“Right. Not the headline. You got the money!”**

“It wasn’t the one I just submitted, you’re right that the government isn’t that quick when no-one’s blood relations are in a cave with an It Girl.”

**“Okay technically Alexis was never an ** ** _It_ ** ** Girl.”**

“I thought you’d be more excited than this— are you having concerns? Because you can do this, David.” 

**“No, no, I it’s just, you said you were going to get the money, and you seemed really sure about it, so I’m…not…surprised?”**

“Oh.”

**“Not that that’s a common experience, for me?…Huh.”**

“Well, thank you for trusting me?”

**“You know, I haven’t…never mind.”**

“No— what?”

**“It’s just going to be weird for me to get used to working with someone who says they’re gonna do something, and then I believe they’re gonna do it? And then they… do it?”**

“Well, get used to it I guess. I’m… I _ am_ a reliable guy. And an honest one.”

**“Okay.”**

“…And, _ hchm_, David, since the money is coming in, I’d like to discuss potentially becoming a partner, rather than an employee? It sounds fancier but actually you’d be saving money if—”

**“That sounds…yeah, we can discuss that.”**

“Good. I’ll put together some information for a proposal and we can talk details later this week. Once I have my spreadsheets and whatnot you’ll be able to see what you’re getting into.”

**“How ‘bout this: You never make me look at a spreadsheet, and I’ll agree to anything you want… Are you ** ** _pouting_**_**?”**_

“They’re good spreadsheets!”

**“I’m sure they are.”**

“By the way, I do have a dog. Big Bernese Mountain Dog. Captain Slobbermouth, you know, ‘cause of the drooling. I’ll have to start bringing him here some days, he doesn’t like being left alone, really tears into stuff.”

**“ ”**

“I’m just kidding, David. Oh my god, are you okay? Do you need to sit down?”

**“You know, on second thought I really don’t think I need a business partner, thanks so much though.”**

“David!”

**“I’ve always considered myself more of a lone wolf anyway.”**

“But David if you’re working alone, who’s going to remind you that it’s well past 2pm and you haven’t had lunch yet?”

**“Oh, fuck, it is?”**

“It’s great you’re so passionate about your work that you get caught up in it and lose track of time but you know, David, it’s _ important _ to _ eat_. Let me go to the cafe and get us some sandwiches, okay?”

**“Okay you know very well that I’m the last person who needs that advice but yes, please do that. And get some cake. You know, since we’re celebrating. The grant money.”**

“Sounds good.”

  
  


“This is yours. And this. And this.”

**“Thank you. You got milkshakes?”**

“We’re celebrating! Here’s to great ideas and the business knowledge to bring them to life.”

**“Okay that just sounded like another pitch for partnership.”**

“Here’s to beautifully curated environments and the generosity of public bodies.”

**“Better.”**

“Here’s to you and money.”

**“Hmm.”**

“No?”

**“Let’s not—. Um— Here’s to us?”**

“Here’s to us. Cheers.”

**“Mmm, what flavour is this?”**

“I asked Tywla to combine the chocolate and the cherry.”

**“See, this is much more persuasive than any spreadsheet could be.”**

“Good to know.”

  
  


“Screw you, David.”

“**Excuse me???”**

“You said I didn’t have to be polite every time I move past you.”

**“Mmmm, well I think we’d call that an over-correction.”**

“Is it? Oopsie-daisies.”

  
  


“What’s up, David?”

**“Hmm? Nothing. Why does something have to be up?”**

“You’ve been standing in the doorway for a while now.”

**“Have I?”**

“Yes. ...Two and a half minutes.”

**“Did you? Time it? On your watch?”**

“I don’t wear a watch, David. See?”

**“No, sure, but like, ** ** _spiritually_****, you wear a watch.”**

“What?”

**“You look very comfortable back there. At your little desk.”**

“This desk was here before I was. Before you were, I expect. I doubt you chose it.”

**“God, no. Thank you for saying that. But like, it ** ** _could _ ** **be your desk, you know? Like if we were...partners.”**

“Well, not till I put all my personal effects up.”

**“Mm, pictures of your family and whatnot. With the golden retriever that your parents definitely do have.”**

“They do, actually— how did you—?”

**“It’s like the watch energy. You have childhood golden retriever energy.”**

“But I _ don’t _ have a watch.”

**“But you should.”**

“Okay. Anyway yeah, I’ll put the family photos right next to the giant cactus.”

**“Pardon?”**

“You don’t remember the cactus? Behind my desk at Ray’s?”

**“I do remember it. I spend hours each night trying to ** ** _un-_****remember it. I strongly assumed it was Ray’s. ** ** _Please_ ** ** tell me it was Ray’s. Oh, ** ** _god._****”**

“It’s Ray’s. But who knows what he’ll offer me as a parting gift. He’s seen me eyeing it.”

**“Let me be very clear— if you bring any such triple-phallic monstrosity into this establishment—”**

“Great, David, this is the kind of thing we can negotiate. I’ll put it into your column on the spreadsheet.”

**“If you must. Um, so, I’m calling it a day here. Are you still…?”**

“Yeah I’ll finish up in a sec. I’ve gotta be somewhere?”

**“Oh? Hot date?”**

“Ha, ahh, no I uh, I wanna get a hike in, before sunset.”

**“Sounds terrible. See you tomorrow, then?”**

“You bet. Might even get here before 9, seeing as, you know, I have a key!”

**“Mm. I love your enthusiasm. Seeya.”**

“Bye, David.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lube is a real name that people have. I found a handful of very earnest-looking Macedonian Lubes on Facebook.
> 
> Also at least a couple of people have mistaken this for the first and final chapter but there are definitely two more so sorry you don’t get to check this one off your spreadsheet yet folks.


	2. Boyfriends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt also said "it could be them acting dumb and mushy at the store." And "Domestic fluff/Smut."  
This chapter is that. Mostly.

“Good morning, David.”

**“ ”**

“Hey. Babe. Morning.”

**“Nnnno.”** ****

“It is, actually, I double checked. Everyone’s saying so.”

**“No.”**

“Hmm well that’s a strong counterpoint but I’m gonna go open up. I’ll see you soon.”

**“Nope. Won’t.”**

“I thought you liked your store, David.”

**“Love our store.”**

“Then we should probably do our best to keep it open, huh?”

**“I’ll…keep—”**

“‘You’ll keep _ me _ open.’ Yes, I know, babe, we have this conversation every morning.”

**“Sex-wise.”**

“Yup, I get it. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I appreciate the intention.” 

_ **“Hmmm!” ** _

“God, if I told Post-Coffee David the kind of jokes Sleepy David makes…”

**_“Funny.”_ **

“Not as funny as your hair looks.”

** _“Mean.”_ **

“Yes, babe, I’m very mean to you.”

**“Go…store.”**

“I’m going!”

_ **“MMnnngh!” ** _

“What, David?”

**“Kiss.”**

“I was just grabbing my jacket, David, I wasn’t gonna leave without doing— _this —”_

**“Mmm.”**

**“**It’s okay, I won’t tell Post-Coffee David how needy you are, either.”

**“Hmph.”**

“Bye David.”

**“Hi. Hot tea.”**

“Hi hottie, yourself!”

**“Nope. You’re not getting your tea now.”**

“Aw. It’s worth it, though, I’ve been waiting for you to set that joke up for me for months now. You always just say 'tea' or 'Here’s your tea.' Thank god for the colder weather now that you feel the need to specify temperature.”

**“You…prepare your awful jokes in advance?” **

“I’m always prepared, David.”

**“I suppose not everybody can be blessed with rapid-fire wit.”**

“Guess not. You do _ keep me open _ to all the possibilities of comedy, though.”

**“What are you talking about. Why did you wink.”**

“I knew it. You’re a completely different entity.”

**“From ** ** _who?”_ **

“Don’t worry about it. Give me your bag and my tea, you go help this customer. She’s looking at the toners and I know you don’t trust me to give advice on them because what was it? I haven’t grasped the _ nuances _ of the _ plumping effects. _” 

**“Ugh none of our toners have plumping effects, that’s just the moisturisers, so yes you have made your point. I’ll go. Here.”**   
  


“So.”

**“What.”**

“Did you just…call that customer 'Mom?'”

**“No, I don’t think so.”**

“I’m sure that’s what I heard.”

**“Well that wasn’t mom, so_—_”**

“No. It was while she was paying for her stuff, something your mom does not do, so that should have been your first clue.”

**“Okay her hairstyle was ** ** _very _ ** **similar to Agnetha, and she called the store 'tantalising.'”**

“Didn’t give birth to you, though.”

**“Well, how do you know? I know there’s a whole vault of Rose family secrets I don’t know about.”**

“You’re right. Anything’s possible. That woman _ could _ be your real mother. And hey, _ we _ could be _cousins.”_

**“Okay why the fuck would you say that?”**

“I dunno, I have a _ lot _of cousins, and there are a few of them with pretty impressive eyebrows.”

**“You mean eyebrows at all?”**

“You wound me, David. But what would I do without you to bring up our collective brow quotient? Call up any one of the Ontario Brewers, I guess.”

**“Gross. …You know I think your eyes make up for the lack of brows. I didn’t even notice they were missing for weeks after we got together.”**

“Aww. That's sweet.”

**“Yeah. Like that thing you’re doing with them now. Very distracting. Who could look anywhere else?”**

“David.”

**“You’re gonna have to stop it so we can work.”**

“ ”

**“Please stop.”**

“Having eyes?”

**“Yes.”**

“Do you want me to do the pick-ups today?”

**“Please. I don’t know if I can handle the farm smells.”**

“Whereas I love farm smells.”

**“Obviously.”**

“We should stock a farm smell candle.”

**“No, we should not.”**

“I’ll head off now.”

**“Okay. Drive safe.”**

“Kiss for the road?”

**“Obviously.”**

“Bye, cuz.”

**“I hate you.”**

“Well, family’s complicated.”

  
  
  


“Hi.”

**“Hi.”**

“Miss me?”

**“You were gone for two and a half hours and we see each other all day.”**

“So, yes.”

**“Yes very much.”**

“It was more like two hours and forty minutes.”

**“Forty-four.”**

“Aww. Well I’m back now.”

**“You are.”**

“And hey, if you help me bring all the boxes in, I don’t have to leave your side again.”

**“Oh. That’s the most annoyingly good argument you’ve had for me doing physical labour yet.”**

“Mm. And roll up your sleeves so I can see your forearms while you do it.”

**“Okay while that is very flattering, you know cashmere doesn’t ** ** _roll up_ ** ** without consequences, so I will not be doing that. I will be watching your arms though.” **

“Unfair. Well that sweater doesn’t fall too long and you’re wearing those pants so I will walk behind you.”

**“Deal.”**

“Well negotiated.”

**“We’re very good at business.”**

“C’mon. There’s that new flavour of marinated goats cheese in there. After y_—_”

**“God yes.”**

“_—_and he’s out the door. Wait up, David!”

**“Which one’s the cheese?”**

“Smallish one over there.”

**“I was worried you were going to say that.”**

“Cheese just doesn’t take up as much space as wool throws, I’m afraid.”

**“And yet if I could blanket myself in it, I would.”**

“Gross.” 

**“I hear it. I stand by it. I will not apologise. Which one are you taking?”**

“The big one.”

**“Correct. I will take the cheese. Ugh why is this one heavy? Yours doesn’t seem heavy, your forearms aren’t doing ** ** _anything.”_ **

“The cheese is packaged in thick glass jars. Alpaca wool is light. Go on, you first, as per our verbal contract.”

**“I am being ripped off.”**

“You’re gonna have to get the door.”

**“You just want to see me bend over to put the box down while I do it.”**

“I mean I also want to gain entrance to the store, but yes, that’s a perk.”

**“Ugh.”**

“Hey! Crouching is a cop-out!”

**“This is harassment.”**

“At least that makes the rips over your knees stretch.”

_ **“** _ **_Stop ogling my knees.”_ **

“Until the day I die, David, I will not stop ogling your knees.”

**“That…shouldn’t have been romantic.”**

“Come on, we have a second load to do before the afternoon rush starts.”

**“Ugh.”**

“David, what are you doing?”

**“I’m putting the cheese in the fridge before it gets spoiled!”**

“It can wait one more minute while we bring the rest in.”

**“On your head be the rancid cheese.”**

“Gross, again. But oddly poetic.”

**“I’m an artist.”**

“Come grab another box, Lord Byron.”

**“I’m more of a Plath.”**

“Noted, I’ll keep you away from kitchen appliances.”

**“You’re a bad person.”**

“Sorry. You still have to help me carry boxes.”

**“Okay. This one’s the skin care, right?”**

“Right.”

**“Jars. Yours.”**

“Okay.”

**“Which makes this one…?”**

“Those artisanal lead bricks we ordered.”

**“ ”**

“Sorry. I mean, it’s the dumbbells for our new fitness line.”

**“…there’s a fitness thing called ‘dumbbells’? You’re making that up.”**

“I am not. How do you not know that? You’ve worked out in a gym before.”

**“Yes but that was a very brief and dark time and I didn’t ask the equipment their ** ** _names._ ** **”**

“It’s succulents.”

**“Fine.” **

“Alright here it comes, I’m about to pick up the heavy box, don’t miss it.”

**“Thanks for throwing in the squat.”**

“Just protecting my back, David. Basic Occupational Health and Safety.”

**“God bless the CCOHS, those perverts.”**

“Why is this taking so long. Please go inside now. There is cheese in there.”

**“Because you decided to make this menial work task both romantic and sexy, you weird man. But yes, I will go to the cheese.”**

“God, there are people waiting now.”

**“I will go to the afternoon rush customers and ** ** _then _ ** **to the cheese.”**

“I’m proud of you.”

**“Patrick? What’s the new price point on this?”**

“$22.50”

**“Thank you. Wow, that’s a good deal.”**

  
  


“David, could you grab some more of_—_ thanks.”

**“Oh ** ** _fuck! _ ** **The_—_”**

“It’s okay, I had a sec to put the cheese in the fridge.”

**“I love you.”**

  
  


**“Patrick, the cash register is being an asshole_—_ oh, right, thank you.”**

“David? What’s the difference between a rib stitch and a seed stitch again?”

**“I’m coming.”**

“Thank you.”

**“Hey can you please ring this customer up while I ** ** _wash my hands_****_?_”**

“Sure_—_ what happened?”

**“Don’t worry about it.”**

**“Is this the last of the_—_”**

“No, I moved them.”

_ **“Why.”** _

“Here.”

**“Thanks.”**

  
  


“David? Could you go grab $5 notes, we’re running low.”

**“The safe pinched my finger last week and I haven’t forgiven it.”**

“Right, sorry, I forgot. I’ll go.”  
  


“How’s the cheese?”

**“Mgnfn.”**

“Sorry, I’ll wait.”

**“It’s magnificent.”**

“That was a good rush!”

**“It was.”**

“Any more of your moms in that crowd?”

**“Hmm. No. Maybe an aunt or two.”**

“Congratulations."

**“Okay, everybody accidentally calls a stranger 'Mom' sometimes! I know that you’re having a lot of fun with this but you will need to drop it some day.”**

“A dark day that will be.”

**“You’ll survive.”**

“At least I’ll have you. And my mom. And my third grade teacher who I did once call 'Mom.'”

**“See?”**

“Not a stranger.”

**“Technicality.”**

“Someone nearly cleaned us out of succulents_—_ lucky we just got the new ones. Wanna unpack or should I?”

**“Oh yeah_—_ Veronica. Serial plant murderer, but very tenacious and hopeful. It's almost sweet.”**

“I feel bad for the plants. But not for our sales.”

**“Capitalist monster.”**

“That’s me.”

**“You can unpack the succulents. Don’t want to get my hands gross again today.”**

“Oh yeah, what was that about?”

**“I don’t want to talk about it.”**

“Is it related to the foot cream that customer bought?”

**“It is.”**

“Are you too traumatised to unpack the skin care then?”

**“Yes. Thank you for understanding. I’ll do the throws. And…sweep, I guess.”**

“Good thinking.”

  
  
  
  


_ “Just in time, _

_ I found you just in time. _

_ Before you came, my time _

_ Was running low” _

**“Mmmm.”**

“Hah, sorry.”

**“I knew you’d like this playlist better than the generic ambient jazz.”**

“You’ve included instrumental versions of all the classics, David, I can’t not sing along.”

**“Yes, I know.”**

“This was the intended outcome? Me crooning during idle tasks?”

**“I’ve been achieving a lot of goals lately. And don't say 'crooning.'”**

“I like this song. I didn't know I liked this song so much.”

**“Mmm. Me too.”**

“_Now you’re here, _

_ And now I know just where I’m goin’ _

_ No more doubt or fear, _

_ I found my way.” _

**“C’mere.”**

_ “For love came just in time, _

_ You found me just in time” _

** _“And changed my lonely life”_ **

_ “That lovely day.” _

** _“ ”_ **

_ “ ” _

**“Okay, this playlist is going to be a problem.”**

“Yeah, you made a mistake.”

**“I’m changing it back.”**

“Can’t make me cry during the workday with ambient jazz.”

  
  
  


**“God, they took ** ** _forever_**_**.”**_

“I’m not complaining, they spent about half of the day’s total takings.”

**“Don’t they know it’s closing time?”**

“I’m sure the way your tutting increased exponentially in volume and frequency tipped them off.”

**“The entitlement.”**

“Rich people, huh?”

**“Yeah.”**

“Must be miserable.”

**“Yeah.”**

“They have a lot of nice new soap though.”

**“****_So _ ** **much soap, what the fuck.” **

“Not enough to clean their blackened souls.”

**“Okay, that was on the nose. Are you a mysterious side character in a Christmas movie?”**

“Sorry. Did you start counting the cash while I was serving them?”

**“…No.”**

“Get a sweep in?”

**“…Would have looked rude.”**

“Ruder than the tutting?”

**“Tutting could mean anything! Maybe I had something stuck in my teeth!”**

“Let’s get a move on then and get out of here. You’ve got dinner with your family?”

**“Oh, yeah.”**

“Wouldn’t want to be late for that, huh?”

**“Do you think if I ran after the rich people they’d come and buy more soap?”**

“I think they have enough soap, David. And you 'don’t do running.'”

**“Maybe an ornamental lamp.”**

“C’mon.”

**“I could let them sample all the teas…”**

“The sooner you get to dinner, the sooner you finish, the sooner you get back to my place.”

**“That’s a good point. Seeya.”**

“David! The floor!”

**“Floor’s fine, I swept it like an hour ago and the rich people tracked in, like, no dirt. They were alarmingly clean.”**

“Hence the soap.”

**“That doesn’t entirely make sense but I’m not arguing with you_—_ I am going to dinner, so I can go back to your place, so I can argue with you.”**

“Can’t wait. Bye, David.”

**“Bye, Hon.”**

  
  
  


“You can knock, you know, instead of messaging me that you’re here. Or, use the key I gave you.”

**“Um, anybody could be knocking. And I don’t want to just barge in on your space, what if I catch you in a compromising position.”**

“Compromising how?”

**“I don’t know! I don’t know what you do in the privacy of your own home!”**

“I’m pretty sure you do, actually. I don’t do anything I wouldn’t want you to see.”

**“Oh.”**

“Why? What do you do that you wouldn’t want me barging in on?”

**“…Nothing, actually. Pretty much anything would be improved by your presence.”**

“That’s…very sweet. Just so you know, you can barge in on my space any time.”

**“Let’s all stop saying 'barge' now, please.”**

“Deal. Hi.”

**“Hi.”**

“How was dinner?”

_ **“Ugh.” ** _

“So, the usual.”

**“Very usual.”**

“So you enjoyed it?”

**“Very much.”**

“Good. I’m glad.”

**“Yeah. I like being here now, though.”**

“Which of your moms was there?”

**“Okay. I no longer like being here.”**

“Ah, that’s a shame, I had so many plans.”

**“Did you? Well, history shows I can be _very_ persuaded by your plans. You have very good plans. Usually.”**

“You know, David, I don’t think you’ve been quiet for thirty seconds all day?”

**“Umm, whose fault is that? I’ve mostly talked in conversation with you, so, pretty sure you haven’t been quiet either.”**

“Bet I can shut you up.”

**“Hey Patrick?”**

“Yes David?”

**“You shut up.”**

“Make me.”

**“Yeah?”**

“Yeah.”

**“Okay then. Ssshhhh.”**

“Mm.”

**“Okay, that was a shushing finger, not a licking finger, but if that’s how you want to play it…”**

“Mmm. …mozzarella sticks? I thought that was our thing.”

**“Oh, god, shut up” **

“Mmfff_—_”

**“That’s right.”**

**“God, who knew you were such a fan of fingers?”**

**“You wanna put this tongue of yours to better use now, babe?”**

**“Yes, so good.”** ****

**“Always so pretty with my cock in your mouth.”** ****

**“Ah_—_** **_uhhnff _ ** **I’m gonna—. Okay, get up here. ** ** _C’mere c’mere c’mere._ ** ** Need to kiss y_—_****”**

_ **...** _

**“Mmm, look at you, all over my hand, Patrick. You did so good. Here, clean me up. Good. Thumb. ** ** _Good, _ ** **baby.”**

**“Okay. Anything to say after that, hm? You can have your mouth back now.”**

_“Ahhh, _ mm— so generous, David…That was amazing.”

**“Well, you do what you gotta do for a bit of peace and quiet.”**

“Yeah…but physical obstructions are kind of cheating, though.”

**“Ummm, are ** _** not**_**_,_ you told me to shut you up and I did a ** ** _very_ ** ** good job occupying your mouth in other ways.”**

“You did. But I bet I can shut _ you _ up without even _ touching _ your mouth.”

**“Wow okay, good luck. God, you’re so competitive. C’mere_—_”**

“Hey— Uh-uh, kissing counts as touching your mouth, David. It’s kind of fundamental, I’m surprised you left it till last in your strategy.”

**“Mmm. Effective, though. Kissing you all the way through a hand-job is a classic.”**

“Mmm.”

**“Keeping your mouth locked onto mine while you came was a good new development, though.”**

“_God, yeah.” _

“Okay, that was the last one. It’s my turn now.”

**“Ugh, nobody told you to do this.”**

“Doing it anyway.”

**“Can’t believe my boyfriend won’t kiss me. So mean.”**

“I’m not here to be mean to you, David.”

**“Hmph.”**

“Look, I can kiss you all kinds of other places. Your _ collarbone… _ Your _ jaw_… Your _ temples_. I could do this for hours_—_”

**“Why would you— hours?”**

“However long it takes.”

**“To shut me up.”**

“To…_ render you speechless, _ how’s that?”

**“Well, I’m not opposed to you trying, if this is what it entails”**

“Tell you a secret? The challenge is just an excuse… _ Behind your ear… _If I could, I would worship you like this all day, every day.”

**“Oh— oh yeah?”**

“Yeah, David. Maybe that’s why I gotta keep talking to you all day. Distracting myself. Toying with your words, because I can’t do it with your body.”

**“Oh.”**

“Now you know. Every time I say your name, I’m really doing _ this _ to your neck.”

**“Ah—** ** _Ahhh.”_ **

_ “David.” _

“When I pester you to sweep the floors, I’m actually doing _ this _ to your chest.”

“When I tease you about your tastes, and your words, and your choices, I’m actually doing _ this _to your hips, and your thighs, and your ass.”

**“L…lots.”**

“Yeah, I’m doing this a _ lot_.”

**“Hhhh.”**

“Give me your hand_—_ feel how hard you’ve got me again. I’m gonna fuck you so slow, David. I’m gonna make you feel so good you’re gonna forget _ how _ to talk. You’re gonna forget your own name.”

**_“…Pat_rick”**

_ “ _ See, that’s _ my _ name, baby.”

** _“_ ** **Ah** _-_**_hh!…_ ** **No-one’s****_…ever…”_ **

“I know, sweetheart. But I am, now.”

“You really wanna kiss me, huh? Uh-uh, David, not yet.”

“You’re so beautiful, David. I can’t believe I get to get my hands in your gorgeous hair. God, your eyes. No— keep them open for me, please? Thank you. I just wanna stay like this, okay? Looking at you while you look at me like that, while I touch you like this.”

“_Fuck _ why did I say I wouldn’t kiss you. This _ mouth _ of yours, David. These lips…”

“God, I love you. I love you. I love you.”

**“…** ** _I—…”_ **

“It’s okay, David, just… let me—”

  
  
  
  


**“…You shut yourself up too for a while there, huh?”**

“Mmm. I guess I did. Does that mean I win twice?”

**“We both won.”**

“We did.”

**“Mmm.”**

“For the record, though, when I ask you to sweep the floors, I do also actually want you to sweep the floors.”

**“Mm, that’s a shame... ** **Are you gonna neglect my mouth again?”**

“No, David.”

**“Mm, thank you.”**

“I love your mouth. And _ everything _you do with it.”

**“Including words?”**

“Especially words.”

**“Well. I love your mouth and words, too."**

“Good to know.”

**“Mmm. Good night.”**

“Good night, David.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Patrick sings along to is called Just In Time. Like a lot of classics, it was recorded by many people, but this choppy, out-takey Frank Sinatra version is what I listened to when writing this: https://open.spotify.com/track/0LX7ysQTNibtaLljDa6rWz?si=kWTr84HtQZmC7R6jyzGiZQ


	3. Husbands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt _also_ said "it could be a moving-in fic", and then I accidentally made Chapter 2 all about carrying boxes, so it's a 'recently moved-in' fic, with hopefully a good dose of "domestic shit."

**“Patrick? Why am I alone right now?”**

“Coming! I was getting you coffee. Well I was getting you a fourth coffee, because the other ones I had gotten you got cold, and you don’t like your coffee reheated.”

**“Oh, thank you. Good morning.”**

“Good morning. Well, afternoon, actually.”

**“Why do you have your watch on already? Why are you dressed? Wait, it’s the ** ** _afternoon?”_ **

“Just. Eleven minutes past twelve. Not your sleep-in record, but a good effort.”

**“Nooo, why didn’t you wake me up when you got up?”**

“You _ wanted _ me to wake you up early on our day off?”

**“Yes! On our first day off in our house together, yes!”**

“And what did you want to _ do _with our first day off in our first house together?”

**“Nothing!”**

“You wanted me to wake you up early so that you could do nothing.”

**“So that ** ** _we _ ** **could do nothing.”**

“Oh. I get it.”

**“Yeah.”**

“Sorry, David, I didn’t know.” 

**“Last night before we went to sleep I said ‘see you bright and early in the morning.’”**

“I thought that was a joke!”

**“But you didn’t laugh or say something charmingly sarcastic, though.”**

“Well, if you recall, I wasn’t entirely lucid after what you…”

**“Oh. You’re right. That was my fault. Sorry.”**

“I mean, _ never _ apologise for _ that.” _

**“No, you’re very very welcome for ** ** _that._ ** ** But, sorry I blamed you.”**

“It’s okay. Sorry I misunderstood.”

**“Well, how long have you been up? What have you been doing?”**

“A while. Nothing, really.”

**“Nooo.”**

“It’s okay, David. We’ve still got hours of nothing ahead of us. If we start right now, there’s no nothing we can’t…not, do…?” 

**“That’s true.”**

“What kind of nothing did you want to do first.”

**“Bed nothing, obviously.”**

“Oh yeah? I can get on board with that, lemme—”

**“Not ** ** _bed _****nothing. I want to do ** ** _bed _****nothing tonight. Bed nothing, like, you reading your book, me drinking the coffee you brought me and intending to read ** ** _my_ ** ** book but actually scrolling through my phone. You playing with my hair and then pretending that it was an accident and apologising for touching my hair.”**

“You saying it’s okay because you haven’t styled it for the day yet, so I can go nuts.”

**“Okay I never tell you to ‘go nuts’ on my hair. But yes, you get the picture.”**

“We can do that.”

**“Thank you.”**

“Like this?”

**“Yeah.”**

**“We should get breakfast. Except it’s the afternoon. So, brunch.”**

“Going out for brunch sounds dangerously close to doing something.”

**“You’re right. We should cook.”**

“Our kitchen isn’t really stocked yet. We’d have to go get groceries and then make brunch. Which is also something.”

**“That plan sounds hungry.”**

“What?”

**“There’s too many steps before eating.”**

“What if we go out for brunch, and then get groceries, and then make dinner?”

**“That is a good plan but when you say it all in a row it really sounds like ** ** _something_**_**.”**_

“We might starve if we stick to the literal definition, David.”

**“You’re right. I think...as long as you don’t write it on a schedule and check it off, it’s okay.”**

“I’ll put my notepad down, then.”

**“You’re not holding a notepad.”**

“My _ spiritual _notepad, David.”

**“Oh. Well, thank you.”**

“Go get ready.”

**“Don’t rush me, we’re doing nothing.”**

“You’re hungry.”

**“Ugh.”**

“Ready?”

**“Yeah.”**

“Café?”

**“Yeah.”**

“I drive?”

****“**Sure.**”****

“Radio?”

**“Whatever you like.”**

“Surprise me.”

**“Oops, hand slipped.”**

“Ooh, Classics.”

**“Uh-oh.”**

“_Some others I’ve seen, _

_ Might never be mean.” _

**“Okay.”**

_ “—Theyyyy wouldn’t doooo.” _

**“Hmm.”**

“Usual?”

**“Yes please.”**

**“Salmon pasta.”**

“Hmm?”

**“Your salmon pasta. That’s what we should make for dinner.”**

“With the parsley?”

**“Mm.”**

“Sounds good. We can grab the parsley from our store, it’d be better.”

**“Yeah, it is.”**

“Want a bite of—”

**“Yes, please.”**

**“Would you like some—”**

“All yours.”

“Ready for Brebner’s?”

**“Is anybody, ever, ready for Brebner’s?”**

“Gonna take that cake to go?”

**“Yep.”**

“I’ll run and get the parsley while you sort that out with Twyla.”

**“You sure?”**

“Yeah, if you come you’ll get distracted by an out-of-place lotion and accidentally do work.”

**“There’s an out-of-place lotion? Why?”**

“See you in a bit.”

**“Are the lotions okay?”**

“They’re perfect, David.”

**“Hmm.”**

“Trust me.”****

“You wanna change the station?”

**“I do not.”**

_“Is your figure less than Greek,_”

**“You know what I love, actually, is the country station.”**

**“Honey, I love you, and you are bad at whistling.”**

_“Might never be mean,”  
_

**“Hmph.”**

“You bringing your leftover cake into Brebner's?”

**“Of course.”**

“Do they keep moving the dairy section?”

**“I think so.”**

“I’m not going mad?”

**“You’re good for now.”**

“These ones?”

**“Ew, no. These.”**

**“Spaghetti or fettuccine?”**

“You like fettuccine.”

**“I know I do. Maybe you wanted to mix it up today, though.”**

“Just go all out, totally crazy, with slightly thinner noodles, huh?”

**“Also: round.”**

“Fettuccine’s good. We like fettuccine.”

“Is this fresh?”

**“Hmm. You can tell by the colour of the— yeah, it’s good.”**

“Thanks.”

“ ”

**“ ”**

“ ”

**“ ”**

“I don’t know this song.”

**“Oh.”**

_ “Hmmm...mmm. Oooh...” _

**“Don’t worry about it.”**

“Sorry.”  
  
  


“You have the key?”

**“Yeah, it’s in my pocket.”**

“Great, I’ll take—”

**“You will take these leftovers from my cold dead hands and under no other circumstances. Just grab ‘em.”**

“I’m holding both the grocery bags! Fine. Which pocket?”

**“Mmm, not sure?”**

“Not this one.”

**“Doesn’t seem like it.”**

“Not here.”

**“Maybe try the first one again? Bit more thoroughly?”**

“David, I can’t be feeling you up on our front porch in broad daylight like this.” 

**“Mm, better find the key, then.”**

“You sure you can’t remember which one you put it in?”

**“It’s completely escaped me.”**

“Uh huh. Were you planning this bit when you chose these pants today?”

**“Lucky accident.”**

“I am sure I have checked every pocket.”

**“They might have changed. Like the staircases at the Harry Potter school.”**

“David.”

**“Lower.”**

“What?”

**“Lower, please.”**

“I’m just frisking you now.”

**“I like this much more than airport security.”**

“Similarly public, though. ...Okay, why do these pants have pockets at the _ ankles?” _

**“For keys.”**

“And here I thought I’d finally come to understand your clothes.”

**“I’ll always keep you guessing, hon.”**

**“**Wish you wouldn’t do it while there’s raw fish to be put in the fridge.”

**“Oh, fuck. Get in, quick.”**

“What’s up?”

**“This fridge has stuff in it, now.”**

“...Yep.”

**“_We_ have a fridge with stuff in it.”**

“We sure do.”

**“Stuff we can, like, make meals with.”**

“That’s the idea. ...You okay?”

**“I'm great.”**

“We have some time before we should start dinner. What kind of nothing is next on the… non-agenda?”

**“Hmm, couch nothing, I think.”**

“What does that entail? Same as bed nothing except I’m not allowed to touch your hair anymore?”

**“Correct, and I’m not-reading a magazine instead of not-reading a book.”**

“We’re in for the night, though, right? Nobody else is gonna see your hair…”

**“Mm, but don’t you want to destroy it properly later?”**

“Well argued. I will leave it alone.”

**“You won’t, but I respect the thought.”**

“I’ll leave it!”

**“I believe that you’ll try. First we have to rearrange the lounge room, though. I don’t know what we were thinking on move-in day.”**

“I wondered when you were going to bring that up. You’ve been gazing so despairingly at it. What are we doing?”

**“That, here. This, there. Those, switched.”**

“Easy.”

“Here?”

**“Little more. Good.”**

**“This one.”**

****“Grab under the— under. Yeah.”

**“Ow.”**

“Knees, David.”

**“Stop getting distracted.”**

“No, lift with bent knees.”

**“Oh. ...Oh, that is easier.”**

“These now?”

**“Mm.”**

“Happy?”

**“Yeah. You like it?”**

“Of course.”

**“Sit?”**

“Please.”

**“Mmm.”**

“This is a good couch.”

**“I told you.”**

“I didn’t know something could be so nice-looking _ and _soft.”

**“You didn’t?”**

“...I should have.”

“Could you move your elbow, please?”

**“Sorry.”**

“You’re okay.”

**“Wait, you don’t have a book.”**

“No.”

**“What have you been doing?”**

“Nothing.”

**“Oh.”**

**“Is it food time?”**

“Sure.”

**“Yay.”**

“So when you said _ we _should cook dinner was that a “Patrick cooks dinner and David watches?”

**“I will chop and stir.”**

“You’re very good at those things.”

**“And hand you wine.”**

“Deal.”

“Careful, hot—”

“Excuse me.”

**“Mm.”**

**“Excuse me.”**

“Mm.”

**“Tastes like it's done. Plates?”**

“The ones my mom got us okay?”

**“Perfect.”**

  
  


**“This is delicious.”**

“Beautifully stirred.”

**“Okay.”**

“More couch nothing after this?”

**“Stop planning, but yes. Except movie and not reading.”**

“And then _ bed _ nothing?”

**“Please.”**

“I’ll get the dishes, you prepare the snack layout?”

**“I can do the dishes.”**

“But then I’d be in charge of the snacks.”

**“You’re right, we can’t have that. I can put the dishes away tomorrow.”**

“...Why does the idea of putting away the dishes make you smile?”

** **“Because we have beautiful crockery, and places that they go.”** **

**“Snacks are ready!”**

“Yes, we are.”

**“That’s not a thing people say anymore.”**

“I’m people and I said it.”

**“Okay.”**

“You want the blanket?”

**“No thanks, just you.”**

“Because I’m a snack?”

**“Because you’re my terrible husband. Sit down.”**

“As you wish.”

**“You ** ** _have _ ** **seen this movie.”**

“Everyone’s seen _ The Princess Bride, _David. And I've watched it with you, twice.”

**“Oh. It’s all blurred together, now. All our movie nights.”**

“You were always paying such close attention to all the films, though, and demanding I do the same.”

**“Yeah, well. They weren’t the point, I guess. At least, they're not what I remember.”**

“So, late start aside, would you say this day of doing nothing was a success?”

**“Mm. Definitely.”**

“I'm glad.”

**“...Doesn't _feel_ like nothing, though.” **

“No, it doesn't. This isn’t nothing.”

“This guy’s so—”

**“Shh.”**

“I’m still not allowed to talk during the movie? Even after your realisation about quality time?”

**“ ”**

“One day.”

**“No.”**

“Shh.”

  
  


**“Hey. Patrick. Bed’s comfier, let’s go.”**

“I fell asleep.”

**“I saw.”**

“Comfy...comfy David-couch. What time is it?”

**“Sleep time, but not here.”**

“Oh, I’m sorry, we missed... _bed _ nothing.”

**“That’s alright, Patrick. We have a lifetime of _bed_ nothing ahead.”**

“Mmm. We do.”

  
  


**“There. Cosy.”**

“Thank.”

**“You’re welcome. Hey.”**

“Mm?”

“**I love you.”**

“I love you, David.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs Patrick sings along to on the radio are _It Had To Be You_ and _My Funny Valentine_. I don't think anyone can accuse David of having a _weak_ mouth, which is the next line. 
> 
> This was a fun challenge to write. Thank you @StevieandBuckaroo for the prompt and especially for saying I had "free rein" on it. Because I sure took it. I hope it fulfilled your desires!
> 
> Big big thank you to my beta @RhetoricalQuestions, who didn't take my bullshit, acted as an unpaid therapist, and with whom I shared almost supernaturally identical musical instincts. 
> 
> My firstborn to the Rosebudd den of sin, and all glory and gratitude to the muses.
> 
> Find me on tumblr @nilolay.
> 
> If you liked my work, may I humbly recommend Path to Paradise, Road to Ruin, my magnum opus. It's more accessible than it sounds! https://archiveofourown.org/works/20242900
> 
> Happy OFN, everybody! <3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] The Banterpalooza](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25019740) by [Amanita_Fierce](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amanita_Fierce/pseuds/Amanita_Fierce), [RhetoricalQuestions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RhetoricalQuestions/pseuds/RhetoricalQuestions), [sunlightsymphony](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunlightsymphony/pseuds/sunlightsymphony)


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